Care, conflict & collaboration: insights into community living from the US and Australia
Updated: Mar 5
On a Tuesday afternoon in December I find myself at the Goolawah Cooperative ‘Camp Kitchen’, sitting in a circle with around 25 residents (aged 6 - 81) of a self-governed, fully off-grid community in New South Wales… 10,000 miles from my home.
I’ve been on a funded research trip - focused on intentional intergenerational communities - for 11 weeks now, and at a Q&A here in Goolawah, residents are wondering what tends to cause conflict in other communities.
“I feel much better knowing we’re not alone!” one participant chimes in, as others smile and nod, after I share my observation that conflict most commonly revolves around pets, participation and parenting styles… another resident usefully adds ‘perceived power’, referring to governance, decision-making processes and assigned roles. Since this conversation, I’d also add ‘partners’ to the list.
It isn’t the first time that the letter ‘P’ has emerged as key to challenges community life can bring, and clearly, these stand the test of time. Since coming across these core areas of tension, I’ve read more of Laird Schaub’s trailblazing work; he is a legend of the Intentional Communities movement and passed away recently. His brilliant article Minding the "Ps" for Cues from 2009 sets out both polarities and challenges beginning with the letter.
It is also not the first time I have heard - or felt - relief when residents hear that across countries as well as sizes and structures of community, the same causes of conflict emerge time and time again… and although there are a range of strategies, there’s no silver bullet to solve these common issues.
How did I get here?
In the UK, as in Australia and the US (the two countries I have been visiting on this Churchill Fellowship), we face deep social fragmentation - including political polarisation, drastic economic inequality, and generational segmentation within ageing populations - and I believe that reimagining how we live together is critical. I am learning from a range of intentional housing models where building community isn’t just an afterthought but a design principle.
For me, this is personal. I know through my work that social connection sits at the core of a huge variety of complex social and health challenges, and in my life, friendships across generations have been formative. A lack of genuine, meaningful connections contributes to widespread loneliness and isolation, exacerbated by the pervasive sentiment that the nuclear family is the most legitimate, efficient or fulfilling way of living.
This project isn’t just about addressing loneliness or housing shortages. It’s about challenging cultural norms and rethinking how we build community and foster belonging beyond manufactured divides.
A tiny insight into community care
“Being a neighbour is about connection - it’s someone coming over when you’re upset, dropping by for a cup of tea, asking about big moments, sharing in grief…” - Resident of a housing cooperative, USA
I’m deeply touched by the kindness I’ve been shown across 50 communities. In many cases, individuals are taking me into their own home, preparing food, changing linens, giving me tours, organising interviews, or even sitting patiently whilst I ice my swollen foot after a sting from a jack jumper ant - apparently an Aussie local.
I am under no impressions that it’d be a lot easier for hosts to have ignored my emails and continue living their life (as opposed to talking about it) without some British researcher sticking their nose in. Each day I’m filled with gratitude and blown away by hospitality.
Then I remember: residents have worked damn hard to get to this point. At home, people usher you into their cripplingly expensive, claustrophobically boxlike, concerningly mouldy London flats quick as they can - nothing to see here.
Amongst these communities, there’s pride and a sense of permanence. People are truly connected to their home, to the land, to their neighbours. Thriving vegetable gardens, evolved governance processes, and in some cases, houses hand—built out of recycled materials, stand testament to years of discussion, experimentation, and maturing (often tested) relationships. At the heart: palpable community which had to be cultivated with intention.
Community, not utopia
“A bunch of people living together means people think differently and not everyone will get on - like family! But we care for one another and are committed to something greater than each individual.” - Cohousing resident, USA
Sharing spaces, (some) resources and decisions requires a level of collaboration, compromise, and communication vastly dissimilar to many people’s prior experiences. Community is not homogeneity - people have different views, and conflict is inevitable.
Many residents have told me that entering with a realistic expectation about conflict is key for satisfaction. I frequently hear that the below are common tension points:
Participation: Communities rely on shared labour in areas such as cooking, cleaning, maintenance or conflict mediation. Attempting to maintain a level of fairness when it comes to contribution, whilst building a culture of trust, is a delicate balancing act. Resentment can be poisonous, whilst unnecessary bureaucracy can lead to burnout. Thriving communities tend to find a happy medium, leaning on thorough co-created processes where needed, and accepting that this will need to shift and evolve as the resident cohort changes.
Pets: Live issues range from noise, waste, allergies, personal space, mental health, access needs, animal welfare and domestic pets clashing with the protection of native wildlife. Balancing these diverse concerns is another example where both clear guidelines and ongoing open dialogue have a role to play.
Parenting: Differences in parenting styles—often but not always manifesting as a generational divide—can lead to friction and some parents have reported feeling judged. Key challenges include varying views on discipline, education and expectations on children - especially around mess and noise.
Perceived power: Inclusive and transparent decision-making is the cornerstone of many communities’ self-governance values. While consensus-based models aim to give everyone an equal say, they can be time-consuming and take skill to implement. Often communities assign elected and rotating leadership positions to manage responsibilities and ensure progress. However, striking the right balance between shared decision-making and efficiency can be tough, requiring the navigation of implicit and explicit pressures while fostering an environment of empowerment.
Partners: Instances where only one half of a couple have a desire to live in and contribute to an intentional community seem fairly common; this has the possibility of impacting both the relationship and broader community. Sometimes, partners have moved in at the same time, alternatively, some have come to join their spouse, but not bought into - or felt welcomed into - community processes, expectations or culture. Because of proximity to each other’s lives, relationship conflict can bleed into the community and lead to cliques. Having said this, I have come across many instances of couples splitting amicably and both remaining in the community. Sometimes they are bringing up children together, and have reported deep gratitude for community support and flexibility.
Challenge is an innate part of longevity
”I love the personal development aspect of living here - to grow, to contribute, to problem solve” - Resident of a rural cooperative, Australia
That there is no silver bullet is okay. In fact, a lot of people revel in the tough stuff when it comes to community.
As communities grow, their challenges shift too. Many communities established in the counter-cultural movements of the 60s/70s have second and third generation adult residents, and new questions are arising about membership, evolving policy and ageing in place. Turnover and transitions can test the resilience of communities, but without this there is a risk of stagnancy. Many residents have shared the importance of fresh energy, and evolution of vision and practices, though this needs to be balanced with valuing the collective wisdom of long-term members which can take years to rebuild. Welcoming, respecting, integrating and onboarding new members is critical for longevity, and requires intentionality.
Despite the hurdles, I hear again and again: “now I can’t imagine ever living another way”. Not everyone will be close friends - like every gathering of human beings, there will be a spectrum of relationships. But people do know all their neighbours and small acts of kindness are the norm, such as: meal trains for sick people; pet-sitting; sharing childcare; baking for one another; sharing clothes; rides to appointments; troubleshooting or DIY support; collecting someone’s post whilst they’re away; flexibility with payments in tough times; skill sharing such as tech support - and for me, a kind resident jump-starting my failing rental car at 8am in the pouring rain (twice!).
The challenges themselves often become opportunities for growth and I have written a blog on the importance of dealing with conflict productively. Residents have also shared countless stories of how their communities had rallied together in particularly challenging times - such as the Covid pandemic, supporting family through illness and collectively rebuilding after a natural disaster.
Difficult moments reveal a true strength of intentional communities: a network of support in an increasingly fragmented world.
What next for me?
I have some more communities to visit in Australia before returning to the UK. I am eager to contribute to the community-led housing movement, across the US, UK and Australia, as well as other intergenerational work centered on connection, collaboration and care.
I believe that we need radical change to not only how we live but how we relate to one another, seeing the communities I have visited as a source of inspiration. I welcome anyone to reach out to me at savfishel1@gmail.com with insights, collaboration ideas, sharing opportunities or advice on how to stop a jack jumper ant sting from itching!
Photo credit: Credit: Swan's Market Cohousing, Oakland